The challenges with permission-seeking behaviour in women and how developing a positive internal narrative can help you succeed as a leader.

"Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence." Sheryl Sandberg

Such a simple quote can be inspiring if you are new to a leadership role and feeling excited and proud of yourself for getting that big promotion or dream job. But what happens when your internal dialogue tells you something different, and suddenly, you are faced with the realities of leadership and the loneliness that can often come with that?

In many professional and personal settings, women often feel they need to ask for permission before acting, a behaviour rooted in deep-seated societal norms, gender expectations, and lived experiences. As a coach and experienced executive leader, I see this all the time (and it's not just women who suffer). This is not only a reflection of external pressures but also of internalised beliefs, confidence, and feelings of self-worth.

As someone who tends to need validation, I found this a disabling factor when I took my first steps into Executive leadership. I was suddenly thrust into an environment where no one would be giving me permission, and others would look to me for validation.

This blog delves into why women (and people in general) ask for permission and how adopting positive self-talk as a development tool can be truly transformative.

If there's one thing I want you to take away from this blog, it's this: you are not alone in this struggle.

The Socialisation of Permission-Seeking Behaviour in Women

From a young age, women are often socialised to be agreeable, accommodating, and respectful. This is evident in how girls are praised for being "good" and "well-behaved" when they follow rules and seek approval from authority figures. Unlike boys, who are often encouraged to be assertive and independent, girls are more likely to be rewarded for being compliant and cooperative. This socialisation process lays the groundwork for a pattern of permission-seeking behaviour that often continues into adulthood.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that women are more likely to doubt their competence, especially in male-dominated environments. This increases the likelihood of asking for permission or seeking approval before taking action.

This behaviour is not just a product of individual upbringing; societal expectations also reinforce it. Women who assert themselves without seeking permission are often labelled as 'bossy' or 'aggressive,' which discourages them from being decisive and confident in their actions. This societal reinforcement can create scenarios where women feel compelled to ask for permission to avoid social backlash and maintain harmony in their relationships.

The Impact of Permission-Seeking on Women's Lives

The tendency to ask for permission can have far-reaching consequences on a woman's personal and professional life. In the workplace, this behaviour can hinder career advancement. Women who constantly seek validation may miss out on leadership opportunities or fail to advocate for themselves during salary negotiations. According to a study conducted by LeanIn.Org and McKinsey & Company, women are less likely than men to speak up in meetings, apply for promotions, or negotiate their salaries, often because they fear they are not qualified enough or worry about being perceived as too assertive.

In personal relationships, asking for permission can manifest as a reluctance to express needs or desires. This can lead to dissatisfaction and resentment, as women may feel their voices are not heard or valued. The constant need for external validation can also erode self-esteem, as women may start to believe that they cannot make decisions on their own.

How Positive Self-Talk Can Help

Positive self-talk is a mental strategy involving affirming and encouraging language to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs. It is a form of cognitive restructuring that helps individuals reframe their thinking and develop a more empowering internal dialogue. Positive self-talk can be a powerful tool for women who struggle with permission-seeking behaviour to build confidence and assertiveness.

One key benefit of positive self-talk is that it helps women recognise and challenge the limiting beliefs that drive their need for permission. By identifying thoughts like "I need to ask for approval before making this decision" or "I'm not sure if I'm qualified to do this," women can replace them with more empowering statements such as "I am capable of making decisions" or "I trust my judgment."

Practical Steps to Implement Positive Self-Talk

1. Awareness: The first step in using positive self-talk is to become aware of the negative thoughts that trigger permission-seeking behaviour. Keeping a journal or noting down moments when you feel the need to ask for permission can help identify patterns in your thinking.

2. Reframing: Once these thoughts are identified, the next step is to reframe them. Instead of thinking, "I should ask if it's okay before proceeding," try telling yourself, "I have the knowledge and skills to make this decision."

3. Affirmations: Incorporating daily affirmations into your routine can reinforce positive self-talk. Statements like "I am confident in my abilities" or "I trust myself to make the right choices" can help shift your mindset over time.

4. Visualisation: Visualising success in situations where you typically seek permission can also be effective. Imagine yourself confidently making decisions and acting without needing approval from others.

5. Practice: Like any skill, positive self-talk requires practice. Start by using it in low-risk situations and gradually progress to more challenging scenarios.

Learn more about how I can help you develop a reflective mindset and positive self-talk through coaching and mentoring.

Coming soon - free workshops on developing a reflective mindset and positive self-talk. Sign up to my newsletter to keep up to date. I promise I won't bombard you.