I remember stepping into my first executive role; it was literally the first week of COVID. We were all at home, and suddenly, I was the new leader and executive in charge of a strategically vital part of the business: Communications.
My emotions were all over the place. My parents were stuck in Australia with no flight home, and my dad, who had suffered a brain stem stroke, was extremely vulnerable. My husband Tony and I, living far from family, were suddenly isolated, working from home at the same dining table, an issue from day one, given that he works in finance while I needed to be on endless Teams calls. I was his worst nightmare as a desk buddy.
On top of that, I had just started a big, shiny, dream job with new responsibilities, new people, and a rapidly changing business landscape.
I celebrated (online), planned (alone), and had to get to know a new team and part of the organisation. I was overstimulated yet isolated, proud yet fearful, excited yet uncertain. If there was an emotion to be felt, I felt it.
Firstly, I want to say that this rollercoaster of emotions is completely normal when stepping into a senior leadership role. But with hindsight, I now realise that I wasn’t managing my thoughts (cognition), emotions (physiological response), and feelings (subjective experience) particularly well, and I only realised this when I engaged a brilliant coach after about a year in the job. The sad thing is that no one seems to talk much about it , so it only exacerbates these things.
As a leader, I firmly believe emotions are a superpower, and not a weakness when understood and managed wisely. However, when we fail to connect with our emotions or use them wisely, we risk appearing flustered, out of control, or inconsistent. This can erode trust, and over time, lead to stress and burnout.
In this blog I’ll be diving into emotions and leadership and the difference between thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Because if you can’t untangle these within your own brilliant mind, navigating leadership will be much harder.
Understanding your Thoughts, Emotions, and Feelings
1. Thoughts (Cognition)
Thoughts are mental processes; they involve logic, reasoning, and interpretation. They are shaped by beliefs, past experiences, and learned knowledge. Some thoughts are conscious (deliberate thinking), while others are subconscious (automatic reactions).
Examples:
“I don’t think my boss values my work.”
“I don’t think my new team likes me.”
“I don’t think I can do this job.”
2. Emotions (Physiological Response)
Emotions are automatic biological responses to external or internal stimuli. They are universal (e.g., happiness, fear, anger) and are often felt in the body, like a racing heart, muscle tension, sweaty palms, or a lump in the throat. Emotions tend to be short-lived but intense and don’t require conscious thought. They are also individual to us.
Examples:
You feel anger when your idea is dismissed in a meeting.
You feel surprised when an unexpected decision is made.
You feel annoyed when your team ignores a request.
3. Feelings (Subjective Experience)
Feelings are the conscious interpretation of emotions. Past experiences, personality, and mindset shape them. Unlike emotions, feelings last longer because they involve making meaning out of them, and if not managed, they can spiral into something bigger.
Examples:
After feeling anger in a meeting, you develop resentment over time.
You feel stunned by a decision, which later turns into confusion, then frustration.
You feel annoyed when a request is ignored, which grows into hostility or even rage.
How Thoughts, Emotions, and Feelings Work Together
Trigger: Something happens (e.g., your manager criticises your work).
Emotion: Your body reacts (e.g., heart races, anger builds).
Thought: Your brain interprets (e.g., “They don’t respect me.”).
Feeling: A more sustained experience emerges (e.g., frustration, insecurity).
Leaders who can differentiate these elements tend to:
✅ Regulate emotions rather than being controlled by them.
✅ Challenge unhelpful thoughts before they spiral.
✅ Communicate more effectively and make better decisions.
When we fail to untangle thoughts, emotions, and feelings, we risk reacting impulsively and making poor choices and decisions, especially in high-pressure leadership environments. While this applies to both positive and negative emotions, in my experience, negative emotions tend to linger longer and have a greater impact if left unchecked.
To help you on your journey, here are a few questions to ask yourself in the moment when your thoughts, feelings and emotions begin to take over:
Recognising Emotions in the Moment:
What am I feeling right now?
Where do I feel this in my body?
What just happened that might have triggered this?
Distinguishing Thoughts from Feelings
Am I experiencing an emotion, a thought, or both?
What story am I telling myself about this situation?
Is my reaction based on facts or assumptions?
Managing Emotional Responses
What do I need right now to feel more in control?
What would help me respond rather than react?
How can I express this emotion in a way that aligns with my values?
Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts
What’s another possible way to view this?
If a friend were in my situation, what advice would I give them?
What’s the worst that could happen, and how would I handle it?
Developing Emotional Intelligence Over Time
What emotions do I tend to avoid, and why?
When have I let emotions guide me well in the past?
How can I create more space between my emotions and my reactions?
Emotional intelligence isn’t about suppressing emotions; it’s about understanding and using them wisely. Leaders who recognise, regulate, and express emotions effectively create stronger relationships, make better decisions, and build trust.
If you’d like support navigating your leadership journey and emotional intelligence,
I’d love to help.
📞 Call me on 07962 101879📧 Email me at lila@lilapleban.com
Let’s turn emotions into your leadership superpower.